Diary Entry 4th November 2007
Sunday Night
Im still feeling depressed and im not sure why. I have such a sadness inside that it physically hurts. I cant think of anything in particular that has brought this on, maybe just a bit of everything. Life is a constant struggle, I have to keep reminding myself about why we are here and where I am headed and what my personal goals are for this 'physical experience'. My spirit hurts a lot on this earth, I must have many lessons to learn.
I am tired. I dont cope well with little sleep. I wait for the days when I am an old woman who can lay in bed and sleep well after the sun has risen once more. Lying in bed next to Greg and soaking each other up, laying in love and warmth.
Greg is on night shift again now and will be for a few weeks. He has just left for work, my heart aches for him to return. I relish the weekends when we can sleep in each others arms.
This past weekend has been a bit crazy. On Friday Greg, Mike, Ash and myself slept over at Sams house which was really good. It was nice to get to spend some quality time together. We haven't seen Sam in a few weeks and I always get a bit anxious when we don't.
Then on Saturday night Kelly went to the Justin Timberlake concert and left Isabella at our house to sleep over. But what ended up happening was that Isabella decided she didn't want to sleep here and I had to get Kelly to pick her up. I felt heaps bad for Kelly because I can imagine she'd be shattered. I really empathize for her and I think that's why Im feeling a bit sad to. I hope Kelly is coping and isn't depressed or anything like that.
The whole experience has made me really anxious and panicky over my own kids and sleep etc. I don't know what I would do if Ash and Indie didn't sleep or were difficult like that. I just wouldn't be able to deal with it.
It brings back terrifying images of the first nights at home with Asher, that was a real black haze. Until he was about 9mths I was stuck in that moment. It brings a lump to my throat just thinking about it, it makes me feel nauseous.
Anyway just so we end on a positive note, Ash has kindergym tomorrow. Im really looking forward to it, he had so much fun last week, and I actually really enjoyed it to.
Diary Entry - 13th November 07
Tuesday Night
I am so bitter. Here I am trying to be the best person I can be and trying to figure out what lesson it is that Im meant to be learning that got me in this life with a disabled child. I mean stop with the f#@king cryptic clues and give me the f#@king answer and I'll fix it!!
What sort of stupid game is this that life is playing at. I am trying my best dammit!
Diary Entry - 15th November 07
Thursday
I am so angry right now I could scream! I have been doing all of Ashers therapy myself and Greg doesn't seem to give a shit! You think that this is a couple of hours a week? - wrong! I do it every minute of every day!! You think that this is easy?? No! Its driving me insane, but you think you can go to work, come home and do nothing for us. Going to work is not enough. I didn't ask for this. I wish I could just run away from all of this, then you might find out how hard this is. Not to mention being told Im a bad mother all the time because Ash throws so many tantrums.
Diary Entry - 17th November 07
Saturday
Im running out of energy, its taking all that I have left just to write this. Nobody has any idea what Im going through. I asked mum again when she is going to take the kids but she just wanted something in return which defeats the purpose of having a break. She gave some stupid idea of how to get Ash speaking more, lecturing me as if I don't have a speech pathologist over every week. As if I don't have a million and one other strategies Im meant to be doing. I am so exhausted I just need a break.
I am so angry, everyone around me has 'normal' kids and some of them arnt even good mothers. This was meant to be easy. I got pregnant by accident and then we decided to keep him, and it was meant to be easy from there - but it has been hard. Especially watching the same thing happen to people around me, people who have had babies after me and their kids are already walking and talking and toilet trained etc etc. Its so unfair. It makes me angry, sad and hurt to see their kids, or reading about 'baby milestones'. I just want it to be all over.
I've been under some illusion that once Ash starts walking it will all be okay, but you know it wont be. He'll still have Cerebral Palsy and he'll still have problems walking and he'll still have other problems. Its not going to be okay, and its not going to be okay for a long time. He has this forever and so do we.
Diary Entry -9th December 07
Sunday
Asher has casts on his legs at the moment. He has had them on since Wednesday and he can have them off this Friday, and he had them on for a week before last Tuesday. He is doing quite well in them, standing and balancing more which is apparently common for kids in casts. The physio, Jill, measured his feet on Wednesday and there was a noticeable difference which was great news. Now we are just waiting on funding for his splints which hopefully will be granted late December, early January. Im really hopeful that this is going to work.
His third birthday is coming up in April, which is just un-real. He's my little prince, I love him so much. He called me a princess the other day. He has so much personality now and says the funniest things. I've just managed to get him to understand that boys and girls are different and that Aunty Helei has a baby in her tummy. I pointed to Helei's tummy and said 'Helei's baby' and later he pointed to helei's tummy and said Helei's baby and then he pointed to his tummy and said 'Ashys baby'. It was so hilarious!!
Helei's baby is due this coming weekend which is freaking me out. Im loosing another baby-sitter and I don't know what the future will bring. That really scares me.
Helei and Jed were and have been my biggest support after and since the birth of Ashy. They've had him at least once a week every week since he was a one week old. I would not have made it without them.
Novita's structure is changing again also at the end of this year and the start of the new one, so im going to have to adjust to something, and someone new again along with Ashy.
Diary Entry - 29th December 07
Well another year is nearly over and another about to begin. I wonder what this coming year will bring.
Helei ended up having Jaxxon on the 22nd December at 6.02pm weighing 8 pound by emergency cesarean. His heart rate was dropping so they had to get him out fast. Anyway she spent christmas in hospital which didn't really matter. Christmas wasn't that great anyway, me and Greg fought the whole day and for three days following. We are both really stressed out at the moment.
I have a few goals this coming new year, the main one being to get Ash walking. Ash has been a really good boy. He's been a bit attention seeking at the moment and really competing with Indie. I've been trying to give him a bit of extra time with mum. He really likes playing games, just the two of us, like cars or something. He's my little prince. I love both of them to bits.
